Not Before My Coffee: Funny and Unforgettable Conference Moments

 

By DiAnn Mills

 

We have all experienced funny situations at writing conferences where professionalism, personality, and perfection took a back seat to laughter. Humor lightens the load during stressful and awkward moments and paves the way for writers to experience new and lasting relationships, critique partners, prayer partners, incredible memories, and lessons in behavior. Sometimes the unplanned breaks through the toughest of circumstances and shows we are human.

Writing conferences are designed to be a time of networking, learning the craft, and finding inspiration. Yet I’ve walked away laughing at what happened. Here are a few of my “Expect an Adventure” moments.

Story 1: Ladies Restroom

At a writing conference, I visited the ladies’ room. Once inside a latched stall, a woman shoved a piece of toilet tissue under my door with the message: I was told you could get me published. I exploded into laughter.

“When can we meet?” a faceless woman said.

When I finally stopped laughing, I told her to check my appointment sheet in the interview room.

I never learned the woman’s identity.

What did I learn from the ladies’ room encounter? Some writers are desperate to have their work published. Tenacity and ingenuity in the right context can work for the writer, but not under a bathroom stall. Careful planning and a little professionalism would have gotten this woman further.

Story 2: Coffee

Those who know me, understand coffee is essential, especially first thing in the morning. At a conference before teaching my first session, I placed my breakfast tray on the cafeteria table. Easing onto the chair, I lifted the cup of dark, rich coffee to my lips, the aroma teasing my senses, when a woman thrust her manuscript between my mouth and the cup.

“First you must read this. I know you will like it.”

I stared at her (nicely), and the rest of the table roared. “Not before my coffee.”

What did I learn from the read-before-coffee demand? Overly aggressive writers need to think before they act. I applaud the writer’s timing; I couldn’t have strategically placed a manuscript between a cup of coffee and a person’s mouth. But politeness would have left a more favorable impression. Always be prepared for the unexpected.

Story 3: Tomato

At a conference lunch where faculty share the same table, I embarrassed myself so badly that it’s now funny. I approached my salad with a growling tummy. A tiny grape tomato caught my eye. I stabbed it and missed, sending the tomato into the plate of a woman sitting across from me.

“I’m so sorry,” I said.

“You’re fine,” the woman said. “I’m used to it. I teach a behavioral management class at a high school.”

What did I learn from mismanaging my salad plate? Never stab a tomato unless you are sure it’s not going to fly into the great unknown. Always be willing to laugh at myself.

Story 4: The Writer’s Brother

This last experience mixes sadness with humor. At a conference, I had an interview appointment with a new writer. He sat across from me and told me about his story.

“You can’t change a word of it,” he said.

“Why?” I said. “Wouldn’t you like another writer’s opinion?”

He shook his head. “My deceased brother gave me the story.”

I imagined the writer taking copious notes from his dying brother. “I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you were able to do this project together.”

“Oh, he didn’t give me the story until after he died.”

What did I learn from the writer? I should always be gracious and helpful, even when the writer might need a different kind of professional help. The unpredictable is a part of the writer’s life.

Closing

We writers are quirky, eccentric, and sometimes a bit bizarre. At a writer’s conference, we encounter plot twists, unexpected characters, and divine appointments. Expect an Adventure!

Whether you are a writer or a reader, what is a funny moment from your conference experiences?

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Photo by Katherine Marchena on Unsplash

DiAnn Mills is a bestselling author who invites readers to expect an adventure through heart-pounding suspense, romance, and faith-filled stories. Her novels have landed on CBA, ECPA, and Publishers Weekly bestseller lists and won numerous awards, including the Christy and Carol. A founding board member of American Christian Fiction Writers and Conference Advisor for Blue Ridge Mountains Christian Writers, DiAnn mentors writers nationwide. She lives in Houston, Texas, where she roasts her own coffee and spoils her grandchildren.